Sunday, January 20, 2008

Waitresses Are Not Retarded, but We Are Poor

1st Overweight Woman: I already ate, but you order what you want.
2nd Overweight Woman: I'll have a hamburger, fries, and a diet Pepsi.
1st Overweight Woman: I'll have a peanut butter malt and a piece of banana bread.
...a half hour later
1st Overweight Woman: I would also like this chocolate chip cookie.
2nd Overweight Woman: And I'll have a vanilla malt. hour later
2nd Overweight Woman: Can I have some hot tea and she would like iced tea.

Ordering a diet Pepsi doesn't cancel the calories in a vanilla malt. They sat for three hours and left me two dollars.

Two days ago, I had nine members of the Christian Motorcyclist Association. A very, very overweight man ordered a piece of apple pie.

Me: Would you like me to warm it up?
Man: And melt a piece of cheese on top.
Me: And melt a piece of cheese on top?
Man: Cheddar.
Me: You want a piece of cheddar cheese melted on top?
Random Woman: You've obviously never been to Wisconsin.
Me: Yes I have. I'm from Chicago and I've been to Wisconsin many, many times.
Random Woman: (silence)

With my tip, they left me a card about Jesus.

I should have told her about my great-great-grandfather, who owned a store in Wausau, Wisconsin, and it was the first building in town to have electricity. (He was the richest Jew around, but when he died they weren't burying Jews in the cemetery, so a Jewish cemetery had to be built. He's in a fancy mausoleum now.)

I hate customers who 1) make false assumptions, and/or 2) make comments to show how unique they are when really they're just like everybody else.

Woman: I'd like some hot tea. I bet nobody ever orders that!
Me: You're actually the third person to order it in the last hour. It's really cold outside.

I worked a double today and was on my feet for eight hours so I'm gonna take a shower now, put on green polka dot pajamas, and write a poem about feline Leukemia while I'm waiting for my boyfriend to come home so we can watch the cable television that we totally ganked and do not pay for.


Anonymous said...

you are always noting the small tips, but what is the most generous tip you've received?

Leigh Stein said...

A family of five left me $30 on an $85 tab once. They actually called me over to the table and the father handed it to me and said, "You were such a nice waitress." That was the best part.