Monday, March 3, 2008

Hire me!

Hire me! I am good at doing laundry! I can screen your phone calls! I can screen your text messages! I will update your blog for you, so you can spend that time napping/petting your cat/eating pomegranate seeds! I am excellent company for a four-year-old girl! Pay me to play dress up with your daughter! Don't know English? I can teach you! I've been speaking it my whole life! Maybe you always wished your parents would read to you before you went to sleep, but they never did! I can do that! I am good at alphabetizing! If you are not sure if you look good in an outfit or not, ask me and I will tell you the truth! Always! Hire me! I will laugh at your jokes! I will wake up before you do and make sure your coffee has the right amount of cream and sugar in it! I love to grocery shop! I will prank call your friends because they aren't my friends and I won't feel embarrassed doing it and you will laugh so hard you will give me a bonus! We can volunteer at the food pantry together! I will be your best friend! But not because you pay me! Because I like you! Truly! Hire me! I will wear glasses and you can introduce me to people as your personal secretary, but I will never steal the show from you! You can always be the show! I want you to be! Best friend! Hire me!

7 comments:

kat said...

what's your rate?

Anonymous said...

I would totally hire you to be my secretary/publicist.

Leigh Stein said...

kat,

choose your currency: dollars/miranda july memorabilia/ferris wheel rides

anonymous,

let's get on this. stat.

Anonymous said...

I would pay you in black bean soup and hummus, and you don't even have to do anything.

Julia said...

i just sent you the most frenzied email

Eric Z. said...

I want this job but you can have it after me:
http://www.newyorker.com/talk/2008/03/10/080310ta_talk_widdicombe

Eric Z. said...

Trying the link again...
http://www.newyorker.com/talk/2008/03/10/080310ta_talk_widdicombe