Wednesday, January 14, 2009

I hate everyone

I had the most @$*!(@) stressful day at work. I skipped lunch to do more of a project that ended up being completely unusable. I found the white mitten I thought I lost yesterday, but then later I lost the black mitten that went with my other pair. I need one of those yarn/clothespin contraptions that moms know how to make. I mean, I know how to make it. It's just more better when your mom does something.

After work, I went to walk my cousin's dog. There's a middle-aged guy who works in the lobby who always looks at me like I'm a piece of meat and whispers how pretty I am when he opens the door for me. He leers. Finally tonight I wanted to punch someone in the face and I called him over from talking to some guy in a sports jersey and told him very loudly that the things he said were inappropriate and he should stop.

Later, as I was leaving, he apologized "if" I was offended. Maybe this isn't a very interesting story, but I think it's the first time in my life I've actually told someone to leave me alone, instead of just feeling sick.

Maybe what I describe as lonesomeness isn't lonesomeness at all, because being around people doesn't make it go away; maybe it's constant dissatisfaction, that I will never do or be enough, that my ducks will never get in line, that I will always be in one place missing another, that those I love most will never be close enough, that I am lazy and selfish and passive.

3 comments:

Matt said...

What you're describing in that last paragraph sounds very familiar to me. (No advice here, I guess, just a "me too".) And good for you for calling that guy out.

jonathan said...

it helps to look at puppies.

Tortilla ex Machina said...

I lived in New York and New England. Both of these places can be wonderful (and enchanting) and incredibly lonely, too, depending on the circumstances. Of course 'lonely' can find you anywhere, but for me, for whatever reason, the warmth (and lack of urban density) helps at least a little bit (so now I live in North Carolina.)

As for lazy, I am not sure if you are referring to work, social interactions, writing. Certainly your writing–regardless of the # pages – doesn't reflect that. Regardless of whatever craziness, loneliness, or general awfulness might come your way in NYC, I hope that your writing gives you comfort – it would for me, if I wrote as well as you do –