I had the most @$*!(@) stressful day at work. I skipped lunch to do more of a project that ended up being completely unusable. I found the white mitten I thought I lost yesterday, but then later I lost the black mitten that went with my other pair. I need one of those yarn/clothespin contraptions that moms know how to make. I mean, I know how to make it. It's just more better when your mom does something.
After work, I went to walk my cousin's dog. There's a middle-aged guy who works in the lobby who always looks at me like I'm a piece of meat and whispers how pretty I am when he opens the door for me. He leers. Finally tonight I wanted to punch someone in the face and I called him over from talking to some guy in a sports jersey and told him very loudly that the things he said were inappropriate and he should stop.
Later, as I was leaving, he apologized "if" I was offended. Maybe this isn't a very interesting story, but I think it's the first time in my life I've actually told someone to leave me alone, instead of just feeling sick.
Maybe what I describe as lonesomeness isn't lonesomeness at all, because being around people doesn't make it go away; maybe it's constant dissatisfaction, that I will never do or be enough, that my ducks will never get in line, that I will always be in one place missing another, that those I love most will never be close enough, that I am lazy and selfish and passive.